dirty >> a hook-up guide to rye high
Whether you're out to grind with your forbidden love because you have nowhere else to screw, wanna make like Brokeback Mountain after a shoving match with your best pal or just need to bust a nut in the junk of the hottie you picked up in the bar, the Eyeopener's intrepid undercover reporting staff investigated the best spots around campus for you to bump uglies. (All locations rated by risk versus reward, in units of butt plugs.)
Ram in the Rye washrooms
While knockin' boots in the bathroom of a pub might seem like a good idea after six pints, there are definitely many drawbacks to these stalls. For one, you'll have to deal with the distraction of drunk students with full bladders trying to use your stall. One of you will also have to pull a Spider-Man and get your feet off the stall floor when nosy wait staff come poking around (no, you're not the first horny drunk to try this). This spot is probably too public for any prolonged action but if the chance of getting caught (and you most likely will) gets your suds a-bubblin', this is the place for you.
SCC washroom
Other than Eyeopener staff on a Monday or Wednesday night, when we're usually in a zombie-like state, and your student-union staff, you won't find many other people in the student campus centre after 7 p.m. The second floor bathroom (just outside our office) is a favourite for some (yes we're looking at you, horny couple that are all over each other on the couches outside). Until we install a webcam, this is a safe spot... except for that one night when we totally caught you in the act in the women's stall. Kudos to your hormones because it's kind of smelly in there, but do try keeping it down.
Architecture building
Besides doing it with tiny models, architecture students have been known to actually do it. With each other. In the architecture building. Students often stay late, or even overnight, to finish up final projects and sketches when professsors aren't around, and security patrols are sparse. Custodial staff have even found used condoms on the floor of the building. It's not hard to imagine -- couches litter the building's studio space, with many partially hidden by wooden dividers. We give the architecture building 3.5 out of 5 butt plugs, 5 out of 5 if you're not an architecture student.
The dungeon
Deep in the bowels of Kerr Hall lie a lot of lonely, horny engineers. The dungeon is the engineer's lounge, and not what we originally thought of as some sort of Tobias F?nke-run nightclub. It's also pretty damn hard to find if you're not an engineer, which makes it hard for women to make their way into the place. When not playing with numbers or themselves, engineers have been known to knock 'dem boots and pop 'dat booty from time to time. Still, the ragged sofas make it hard to do the deed if you fear tetanus shots or various diseases, such as the dreaded "engineeritis." Proceed with extreme caution.
The Eyeopener archive room
For those who don't know, the Eyeopener's new offices in the SCC are only one year old. Before that, in the nether regions of Jorgenson Hall, we had some lovely couches that definitely got some loving. Word is, at least one baby was made on those old things. Oh, that poor bastard. Anyway, we don't have couches anymore -- we have an archive room. You could die in there and no one would find you for days. We think some of our interns sleep there, though we really hope they aren't shocked by our collection of hardcore, mail-order pornography. It's for research, we swear.
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